life is so funny the way you never know if anything you do is the right thing to do. why are we sketching. why is everything so cyclical, why does the same thing always happen again and again and again in different forms. why am i writing a response paper about the origins of cheesemaking? i can't focus on anything and every song is talking to me.
fuck my stupid baka life
i stopped checking my website because it started to make me feel nervous. i felt this overwhelming fear that i can't really describe. i'm good now though and the feeling is mostly gone. anyways, it's the beginning of winter break and i'm really happy. i genuinely love school sometimes, even though i just went through finals, which took a lot out of me. i have been coughing for the past 27 days but the antibiotics i got from the doctor are helping and i'm normalizing. i really love my friends i feel like these past few months i've finally learned how it feels to belong in a sense. i haven't stopped hating certain people, i'm such a hater (though i don't see this as a problem anymore, i just need to learn to keep it to myself), though i have learned i also really enjoy spending time with people too. this break i'm gonna focus some more on music and try to get more done before school starts. just wanted to write this quick update. there's more stories to tell, but that's for another day. i find myself day dreaming every time i have a quick break in my day. when i wake up, when i sit on the bus, when i lay in bed, when i take a shower, when i'm shitting, when i'm walking, when i'm in class. i think i should try to tone it down perhaps. we'll see.
yeah i'm fucking sick of school. i'm done. whatever. i know i say that like every other month but i'm serious. this is bullshit. also i'm sick again with covid for like the 4th time and i've been vaccinated 3 times. what's up with that? i don't want to go back to school i don't want to have to sit there and listen to people make up excuses to say something because they can't just sit in silence for 5 minutes. i am so behind in archaeology readings it's over for me. and also that bitch laughed at what i said. whatever ok...you wouldn't get it.
well it's 8:24am rn i did a good job staying up even though i didn't mean to. during my zoom (cuz im sick) class i started this sketch and i worked on it from like 6pm-11pm. then i watched like 30 min more of the hills have eyes while i ate and then i worked on music from 12 am-8am. it's not for anything really, but just wanted to record guitar into it and sing non electronic-music-style. also i fixed/added to some of the tracks im currently working on. i'm hyped about the ep now it's coming together more or less. still gonna take a shit load of time but that's ok idc. and to people who email me or dm me asking about when im dropping or that im taking too long, i appreciate that you care but please leave me alone about when music is coming out. cuz it will some day just be patient. not even that big of a deal so i guess you still can if you want. anways.
i drank nyquill like 30 minutes ago i hope it kicks in soon. tomorrow i need to catch up on homework. i have to read 4 chapters of a book and write 4 reesponses and then and watch 4 two hr lectures/take notes. write an outline for research paper about pig domestication, memorize dates of archaeology sites, and so many more things of that nature. i didnt' step outside today so tmrw i will try to do that. and i think i got sick quickly because i had stayed up all night on tuesday after climbing. cuz i hhad the inspiration to work on a song. it didn't turn out so good to be honest. i tried changing something and it made it cooler and better but then i worked on it for 5 more hours than i shouldve and it turned to shit. so today i reversed the changes from an old save file lol. also dropped that short story class after the first class because the professor was a wack piece of work. and i left in the middle because i was so annoyed by her and as i got up to leave (quietly) she said "WELL SOMEONE IS EAGER TO LEAVE!!" i lied and said that i just got transfered to another class and she said "say goodbye, everyone!" everyone stared at me and i said bye awkwardly and left. She later sent me an email saying i was completely disrespectful for causing a scene and if i had read the syllabus i wouldve known there was a break in 15 minutes. lmfao ok lady go fuck yourself. you caused the scene. ok i'm going to sign off. goodnight and good day, top of the morning.
so i am up all night yet again. did not even get to do anything productive i just tried to sleep too hard and that fucked me up. because i have so many things i have to do today with less than like 30 min between/to get to most of the things/meetings/classes from 9:30am - 9pm and so i wanted so badly to be really awake and shit but now i'm up again accidentally and i have to get ready for class in 2 hours. this always happens when i have a big day or a big event and i get too nervous about not being able to sleep that im not able to sleep. my arms hurt because i ended up being on reddit after i couldnt sleep for a while and was just going through really inane shit. i hate that place so much i'm going to give it up even though i already deleted the app a long time ago. feeling like a kind stranger again.
also update on the guy covering the painting, went to his apartment he was a hoarder and started rambling on and on about racism and his children he left in switzerland and raising his voice and his art was pretty bad and wanted me to pay him for art lessons and i left. what the fuck. so another reason why i cannot sleep is because EVERY SINGLE MORNING AROUND LIKE 3AM-5AM and in the evening this fucking motorcycle parked behind my apartment's alarm starts blaring. the first time i heard it a few days ago i thought it was a funny sound but it's driving me crazy right now. it's been going on for the past hour as i tried to rest my weary eyes so i got up and made coffee to refrigerate for later because i only like cold coffee. i wrote a note for them to check if their alarm is broken but i cant put it outside yet because it's raining very hard so it's just sitting on my desk and my arms are tired and i'm writing on my laptop and my eyes are tired. here's what i have tomorrow: archaeology class then info session about this science grant then meeting for experimental archaeology lab volunteer then another meeting then archaeology lab then im going to climb but idk anymore because of my arms and then i have architecture class. i do have 50 min between meeting2 and lab so i will take a nap somewhere. i also dropped the 3d modelling class because the professor seems like an arrogant prick. now im taking a short story writing class.
who the hell is watching bazinga in new york. idk what its actually called or what exactly it is but i saw it on a bus yesterday. the universe was in a hot dense state nearly 50 million years ago expansion started wait. the earth began to cool again idk any of the rest i never really watched the show. i may as well have played persona4 last night but i didnt because i wanted to sleep early what the hell. excuse my profanities just p.o.ed right now. edgar allan poem lol. feeling annoyed about a lot. i think i drank too much coffee yesterday because i made my own coffee and then they had free coffee at school so i had one and then i was skating home and my heart started beating way too fast and i felt like i was on the verge of a panic attack and i felt so sick and out of breath. i did work on music for a while yesterday and i made some progress that im happy with. some woman an hour ago was screaming out of her window telling the motorcycle alarm to stop and to turn it off and i really sincerely understand. i wanted to do that but i knew that the person who owns the bike probably doesn't live near us or else they wouldve heard it and turned it off already. so i didn't, but i'm glad she did, if only to let me know i'm not alone.
and yeah lmao idk about having friends anymore. it's kind of getting to me and i will not elaborate.
ok school starts (technically) today morning at 9:30 am i am taking archaeology then i have archaeology lab and then architecture class at the end of the day. then some harbor ecosystem class later ini week and then also 3d modellign or something on a different day. spent the first part of the day 10am-2pm playing a game. thank you fitgirl repack. then i fell asleep at like 2pm-6pm and then i worked on music until 11 or so. now i don't feel very good, but why is that everytime i feel compelled to write somethhing here i end up complaining. i'm not going to complain about me not feeling good because that's just annoying (to me). instead i will choose something good to say. i have to say if i was given the chance to meet and talk to elliot smith i probably wouldn't. i feel like we could be friends in another life but i wouldn't know what to say or do and i love his music too much and yeah....been thinking of what i would say, but i don't know. plus he's dead. if that's my attempt of saying something "good" i should try again. i am appreciative of my new friend her name is honeybee and we met at 1am in the park. another thing is i tried to get into downton abbey (i really don't know why i just wanted to see what it was all about) and i really don't enjoy watching it. i think it was because i just watched this victorian jack the ripper movie "from hell" and i liked that. ik different era-ish but it was the first thing i thought of. i guess if you see this leave a comment for a good tv show to be watching alone or a movie or something. idk either funny or depressing idrk what i want. i do read the commments btw i just haven't felt like interacting with anything, just a passive observer at the moment.
feel weird writing about things too personal in my music because it's permanently out there. like i feel weird writing things into a diary why am i putting it into my songs. so then i delete it or change it but it felt like it was meant to be there. so yeah i've got time to figure that out. this guy was painting over the grafitti and artwork on the side of my building and buildings around and i felt sad about it because i liked to see it everyday so i told him i felt sad and he said it's a war between art and grafitti and the first rule of art of war is don't enter a fight you can't win. and long story short, i am meeting up with him on saturday and i'm going to show him my art and if he likes it we will work a wall mural together.
how to open an exe file on mac running catalina and up for your keygen needs
i could not find a straight forward tutorial on this ANYWHERE so i thought i would make this a note here.
the normal solution is to use winebottler and then open it, but winebottler does not work on catalina and up since they dropped 32 bit support. another option is to use virtual machine using boot camp but who wants to do all that if they don't have to. i'm not gonna explain what everything does because i don't think i know everything, but to the extent of my knowledge everything is safe and reliable.
1) install homebrew if you don't have it. (follow instructions on https://brew.sh)
2) install wineskin using homebrew. (follow instructions on github https://github.com/Gcenx/WineskinServer go to: README.md > how to install)
3) follow the prompts on terminal
4) open wineskin winery
5) follow this tutorial on how to create a wrap and open an exe (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6VSGvNfb-OQ)
6) open the exe keygen that you downloaded
7) should have worked, if not, sorry for getting your hopes up
8) don't message me about this for help i dont want to help any more than this
edit: i'm scared to log back into instagram and i hear rattling from my overn there might be another creature
ok so i am feeling a bit better now, but i'm sure it's going to be back when i wake up tomorrow morning.
ok pause: the dog im dog sitting for ignored the pee pads on the ground and peed on the floor next to it and then walked through it tracking pee all over my floors. ok back to the message
updates about all the music stuff: so i thought id have the ep done by now, but for 1 reason or 2, i don't. fall semester starts in less than 2 weeks so yeah not gonna have it done before then. i'll find time to do it with school going on, i just have not been feeling so good lately and music just hasn't been my priority/coming to me. i dont know if i like being back in the city. i don't think it used to feel this overwhelming and hostile to me before. i'm not supposed to be here. my irl interpersonal skills have gotten worse and i dont even try to use them because it's pointless. i've been walking around without my glasses or contacts on and that dulls the edge and helps me focus on getting to my destination. i tend to hate most people i see. i've been hating a lot of things these days. i'm still trying to find the root cause because i know it's not because everyone sucks. i got addicted to youtube again and spent lots of my days and nights just watching videos. i really despise youtube for not making youtube shorts disableable permanantly, changing the algorithm, and for having only a few videos show up for what you searched for and then "other people watched" and "recommended for you" show up after like 5 options. do they think we don't see all of this and are just going to go along with it. well i did and that's probably why i just kept watching. i kept watching ltt (i think he is lame now), dunkey, prozd, pz tips, rhnb, steve wallis, video essays and shit and then i kept getting recommended like very overly detailed computer hardware stuff i know nothing about and then i'd still watch them taking NOTHING from it because i don't know what they're talking about. anyways i disabled youtube on my android but now youtube videos i need dont even play in the browser. it's ok i will make do. life has been much better since i deleted it. last night i played trivia crack against a bunch of middle aged white moms who were probably on their phones in bed while their husbands and kids were asleep. i wonder if they woke up in time to make breakfast.
this morning i was writing in my journal in the park, sitting on the ground, and this old man walked right infront of me, stopped, and farted in my direction. i held my breath but as soon as i took in a deep breath i smelt it. i don't hate him or anything, i just remembered it now. this dog only stops barking when shes in my bed and she smells really badly of pee. i can't wait until i own a prius one day i am genuinely really looking forwards to that. she keeps barking in my ear now. i haven't eaten yet so i'll do that now and then i'm going to watch a movie because i deserve it rn. but this dog wont stop screaming it wont stop screaming and it smells like pee.
teehee im very happy im learning how to map caves and also cartography it's so much fun i am staying up late tonight in the classroom rn putting together the map in what looks like a 1998 version of illustrator. honestly i think im getting the hang of this and i want to continue doing this in the future probably. it's like math but fun (well its literally basic trig like drawing in angles and distances btwn survey stations and then drawing in features too to scale) i like it. it's a silly little thing to focus on. also i've learned that some adults (proper adults) are the dumbest people and not in the intelligence sense. i like kids a lot more and don't quote me on that bc that sounds wrong. i have made 3 nice friends from brazil and also just other non brazilians. i wont dwell on the annoying 2 ppl here (they should get married).......anyways, there's 2 other people also up right now working on their things too, they are nice and i like them. well, it's getting to be that time so i am going to brush my teeth and walk back to my dorm. i'll tidy up a bit since i've been rushing to and from class and stuff. tmrw we r going 2 another cave to survey wahoo
i will never understand how it is to be you. went to do laundry at the other place instead and looked at the ground the entire way back. it's kind of beautiful today. i can't feel it\ i think about it all the time i do di do i do i do i do i do i do i do i do ok lol anyways.... working on new music a lot these days so yeah. not socializing much at all. not getting back to friends in a timely manner. smiling more. anxious on my computer going caving tmrw and day after peace
these past two posts i guess i thought that it was 2022 for some reason but ill just keep that there... anyways it's 2023. also yeah making this message to say that my album is officially reuploaded on spotify most of you have no idea what im talking about or that this happened but basically took it down because it was uploaded by label and now since im not doing that, i have reuploaded it myself. the issue is that all of the streams (to the best of my knowlege) are still going to that album if you are playing the track from your saved library or playlists. if you save the "new" currently-existing version that is out right now (looks identical) and play that/save it or put that into the playlists, that will send all the new streams there to the correct place. i mean you don't have to, but just saying that's what's going on rn. you can tell the difference between the two because at the bottom of the old album under the track info it says "Copyright A2B2" and under the new one it says "Copyright hi it's death insurance".
so yeah. i know i have to make some instagram story or something to tell people about it but doing that shit makes me nervous for no good reason so i am doing that here. as for life, im so glad school is ending at the end of next week. im so over this but at the same time ive rationalized it out in my head so im no longer in breakdown mode. not even breakdown mode, just an absolute clarity of the situation that i have complete control over that was beautiful to understand. i dont have that power or energy anymore so im stuck doing school, but i also understand that too because moments of clarity come so fleetingly and ive made peace with it. i may have failed myself by not following through. this is just something i have to do and it is a part of life and i will do my best to finish and do my work and pay attention in class and do my work and pay attention in class and pay attention in class and life will be easier.i am a good and normal scholarly girl. i do my homework on time and i participate in classes none of them understand they dont get it. they never know what im really thinking. they may think they get it but they never will. i mean who gives a fuck shut up, summer is basically here and i have the entire summer to languish. it will be nice......working on music, caving, hanging out with aiden, etc. i will do my best not to waste my life.
let me quit school. please let me quit school. cue: Head on Train Crash Compilation 2021
LMFAO FUCK THAT SHIT I SAID BEFORE I DONT WANT TO BE IN SCHOOL ANYMORE I JUST WANT TO MAKE MUSIC
i'm in class right now and i couldn't sleep last night and i have many thoughts about many things that i won't share (well...maybe a little), but just writing this to let you know i'm thinking about my little things.it's frustrating that since i make music, all i am viewed as is a musician, and that if i'm not working on anything i feel like i'm doing something wrong. everyone constantly asks me if i'm working on music and if i say i'm taking a break for a bit or i'm doing lots of school stuff, people automatically some people assume death insurance is dead or like i'm dumb for not constantly churning shit out. like what the hell lmfao, can't i be a real person and live a life that's not centered 100% around music? another thing is that it's harder for me to make things because i have actual people looking at me now. i'm just complaining because i can and because everything else is ok hehe. so i apologize....no i dont! i don't apologize, i can do this if i want to. chances are i'll drop something this year and i still love making music, but just am not in my obsessive music mode at the moment. i am enjoying my classes and am being immersed in archaeobotany, philosophy of ruins and decay, american gothic, and volcanos. so far i really liked "other voices, other rooms" by truman capote and shirley jackson. i recommend "good country people" by her if you want a nice short story. i memorized like 60ish plants from id cards and am now trying to memorize their scientific names too. the eastern state plant id cards i ordered had like 50 cards overlapping w the western deck i had so im going to put those in stuff people order lmao. and also this summer im gonna take a course on cave cartogography and surveying! wahoo! i will make a conscious effort to make more youtube videos in the mean time because i've been avoiding posting anything anywhere as i explained before because too many people around. personal life has had its ups and downs lately. but you don't need to know. i have been feeling happier and more open to the world recently. i have been doing many things well, cooking healthy meals (beets), maintaining my marie kondo'd room, throwing away junk, eating 2 women's multivitamin gummies every morning, going to the gym in order to let _______class is over goodbye.
tldr: merch is back i'm back in new york, school starts tomorrow. i recently got into marie kondo lol.... idk it looks like a normal room now that im done with it, but it was pretty wretched before. ok yeah so i've put the merch back online. and sorry if i take a while, i think i will choose 1 day a week to do all the packing/shipping because of school hw stuff. i'm taking an american gothic class, human physiology class, archaebotany class, and maybe one on volcanos if i get in or a stupid 3 time a week environment and society thing. anyways.............................................................. ........................................................................................... ................... .................................................................. ......................................................................................... ................ .........................................ueahah i'm still not doing shows for a while until after school is over. i'm still working on my ep project i am enjoying it. i know i should post this information about merch on instagram because no one checks this site and pepole will see it on instagram but i can't deal with instagram right now not in like a oh no technology sucks way but idk it just really stresses me out. this feels much better because there's such minimal interaction. i will respond to my dms soon, i'm sorry if i hhaven't gotten back to you and you're my firend and if you are not my friend i will still try and get back to you about whatever you are inquiring. but please if you are booking, please refrain from reaching out to me about playing stuff because it keeps happening and i feel like im doing everything wrong in my life. honestly it doesn't really matter, but that would be in a perfect world lol
disliking things again. and also liking other things too in this world.
i hate thinking about things and i especially hate thinking about embarassing things. and i don't feel bad i just would like to step out of my skin for just a little bit. unrelated, i'd like to grow a vegetable. maybe a turnip because they'd be able to grow in the winter. i don't even eat turnips though. shutup. alright so i am going to the post office, anyone need anything? this dogsit dog kept barking last night every two hours i couldn't sleep, but i did have a nice dream that i've forgotten about. he's looking at me right now, but i'm not going to look. he left. i'm getting older. my phone is ringing, but i don't want to look at it so i'm going to ignore it. jk going to look at it now i guess. bye
ok i fucked up the order twice and got the wrong size so i had to return them and so i'm not getting the correct poster tube until the 20th, sorry about the delay. you can hit me in the head.
also, the shipping materials from uline i had to get cause my method of taping cardboard together was taking like an hour for one order, is coming on the 13th, so please be patient and wait for that....srry. if you ordered the toothbrush/sticker you should be getting those quickly.
im so confused about everything. i have got to get a degree in geology.
i miss the dog bmo i was taking care of. ok i'm done messing around with this website i dont know how to code correctly and i think i may be messing things up. i put the ads on the homepage but now the mobile is all wonky. going to make this live now. im going to have to make an instagram post about this too. stupid stupid stupid.
Wow this was something so awesome that happened the other day I can't believe it wow. Dog sitting right now just woke up from a nap this persons apartment smells like fish.